the day we leave the world

i just came back from a funeral. one of my relatives passed away this evening, because of heart attack.

to tell you the truth, im not sad. i hardly know him. he was my mum's cousin. and
memang jarang sangat jumpa, even on hari raya. when my mum mentioned his name, i cam.. sape eh? seriously, i cant recall. but i went there anyway, to show respect.

Masa mula-mula sampai, orang tengah mandikan jenazah. and i salam with his mother, his wife. both of them looked so strong eventho their eyes filled with tears but they still managed to smile. Selepas mandikan jenazah, orang tengah kapankan, i was still standing there, behind the curtain. sambil sandar kat dinding. and my mum whispered to me, that was his eldest son, the one who helped alot during that time. then my mum said, that was his daughter, 2nd child. just came back from matrik pahang. i stared at her, she was wearing blue jeans and a shirt with white tudung.

and she was sobbing. i felt sorry for her, it must be hard. i dont know what to do if im at her age. losing a father. After that, tok imam panggil siapa-siapa yang nak jumpa arwah buat kali terakhir. i was still there, at the same spot, they pulled the curtain aside so i can see arwah clearly. and i saw his family one by one came to kiss his forehead. it was a very sad view for me.
after his daughter show her last respect, she came and standing next to me. then my mum introduced me to her, "ni lah anak cik zu" and i kerutkan dahi at my mum. " eeeee, what do u expect me to say to her??" then i looked at her, she was crying and her head was down, she wasnt able to look at anyone right now. so i touch her shoulder and hug her. i dont know why i did that. and she cried even harder T_T
so i said to her, " Abah dah selesai dah tugas dia kat dunia, kita belum lagi, kakak kena kuat lah, kena jaga adik-adik, jaga mak. kena teruskan hidup."
dont ask me why, i called her kakak, i know she is wayy younger than me. maybe to address her as a mature young lady. she nodded and didnt say a word. she was crying and crying, and at one point, she found it so hard to breath. her aunt, said, "tak baik meratapi jenazah"
but i dont blame her. it was her father. who passed away. maybe she got something to say to him but she cant, maybe she thot if there anything she could do, but she couldnt.
we just dont know how it feels, to be in her shoes.
i myself not dare to just think of it.
i dont know what to say to her, i wasnt prepared.
ive been thru this situation before, i lost my uncle two years ago, he died in front of me,
and i never talked about that day, with anyone, even my mum.
i wasnt ready to talk about it. he was my closest uncle and i used to spend my holiday at his house, he was more than an uncle. he was like my second dad.
maybe its time for me to overcome my fear and talk about it.
but not today.

we waited until the funeral ended. selepas jenazah dikebumikan, baru balik.
and to tell you the truth, i cried in the car, all the way back.
i tried to pull myself together but failed. i was sad, because arwah had young children, the youngest is 4 year old. i was sad to see his daughter, the one i told you about, she will be okay, but i dont know when.

and in the car, my dad told us, ada 3 perkara yang perlu disegerakan dalam dunia ni,
1. kalau masuk waktu, segerakan solat.
2. kalau berlaku kematian, segerakan pengebumian.
3. kalau mempunyai anak perempuan yang cukup umur, segerakan perkahwinannya.

and also, kalau berlaku kematian dan kelahiran, diharuskan menziarahi majlis kelahiran dahulu.
sebab kita harus mengalu-alukan kehadiran bayi/ umat islam yang baru datang.


those were the two things i learned tonight.

alfatihah buat arwah and takziah buat ahli keluarga yang lain.